Psych-Mat

How to move yourself and others from reflexive to reflective responding. Part One.

Introduction

The job of a psychologist is often to move clients in psychotherapy from the reactive state to the reflective state.  In a previous post “Ten ways to improve your relationship by learning to respond reflectively”, I described these two states in some detail.  So I will provide here only a brief description.  A good example of Reflexive (reactive) Responding occurs when we quickly and automatically pull our hand from a hot stove.  Such reflex actions can be highly adaptive and protect us from injury or even death.   In contrast, an example of Reflective Responding is the situation in which we grasp a very hot plate but we purposely don’t drop it because it carries our favorite food. 

The reason it is useful to help clients move from reactive to reflective responding is that, only in the reflective state, can they work effectively to solve whatever problems that brought them to therapy.  While the reflexive state is adaptive in cases of immediate life threatening emergencies, it is maladaptive in situations requiring delayed gratification (including enduring some discomfort) in order to attain more distant goals.

Ten ways to improve your relationship by learning to respond reflectively

Imagine the following scenario. One member of a committed couple arrives home 45 min late.  The other member of the couple who spent hours preparing a nice meal feels unappreciated and angrily snaps  “Why are you so late?”  This seems like an attack to the other mate who was laid off that day due to the financial crisis and is feeling hungry, angry, and tired, and they yell back “Why are you always nagging?”  As you can well imagine, the verbal and emotional interchange between them becomes progressively more negative and stressful after this. They love each other but they both have reacted reflexively in maladaptive ways which are toxic to the relationship. 

Whereas the above scenario is a single incident which can be repaired, frequently couples make this kind of automatic reflexive reacting their main way of interacting.  In fact, one of the most common habits detrimental to harmonious intimate relationships is saying things in the heat of an argument that you later regret.  Many couples habitually, without thinking, say or do things which poison their relationships.  As Jon Carlson, a seasoned couple therapist says, they are “spitting in their own soup”.   They are unable to respond reflectively in their difficult interactions.