The problem
In this post I will
provide some suggestions and resources to help someone undergoing distress due
primarily to their intimate other having a psychological disorder. I quite frequently receive heartbreaking
requests from individuals who are in a painful relationship or marriage in
which their mate is suffering from some kind of serious psychological problem
such as alcoholism, gambling addiction etc.
Often these individuals are
isolated and confused about what to do. The
purpose of this post is to provide some general information to help them get
better informed and started on the path to a better relationship.
Let me describe
briefly an example which although hypothetical is based on cases I see very
frequently. A 35 year old married woman
with three children (a boy aged 13, and a girl aged 11, and a younger son aged
8 with ADHD) bitterly complains at the first consultation with me of the many
problems she has experienced due to her husband drinking excessively for the
past ten years. She also states that the
older son is doing poorly in school and has been associating with a “bad
crowd”. The girl is doing OK except that
she has become the caretaker of her younger brother because the mother has
frequent periods of debilitating depression.
The mother has recently tried to cope with her husband’s drinking by
drinking with him but that has made their arguments become more intense to the
point where the husband has began to slap her.
Despite the husband’s well paying job there never seems to be enough
money to cover the family’s expenses and debts are accumulating. On top of this
the father’s drinking is affecting his job and he has been warned about this.
The solution
I believe that a
multifaceted “systems” approach is required in helping a couple where one (or
both) of the partners is suffering from a psychological difficulty. Examples of
the latter include but are not limited to depression, an addiction of any kind,
adult attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), borderline personality
disorder (BPD), or Asperger syndrome.
The problems that can arise in such couples or families relationships or
families are generally complex and interact with each other. This is why I recommend a multidisciplinary
approach.
I became convinced
of the effectiveness of the multidisciplinary approach back in Canada when I
worked at an agency for helping families with a child having a developmental handicap
and which were experiencing some kind of problem. A team of specialized professionals was used
including social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, audiologists, etc. This team approach worked well and was
necessary because of the complexity of problems which can sometimes, but
certainly not always, arise when a child has a developmental handicap.
In the example
described above, although it is the wife that sought assistance for her
husband’s drinking problem, it is obvious that psychotherapy with her alone is
unlikely to be enough. The functioning
of the entire family has to change and this will involve a number of other
types of interventions. In addition to
doing psychotherapy with the mother for her depression, I would recommend she
attend Al-Anon which is a self help group for the family members of the
alcoholic. For the alcoholic there is of course the highly effective self-help
group of Alcoholics Anonymous. To help the parents cope with the son with ADHD
I would suggest another self-help group called SPARK. For the financial problems I suggest another
resource and so forth. This is what I
mean by a multifaceted approach.
What I recommend to the partner seeking help:
Seek professional help from as many sources
as you find you need. You
may want to obtain assistance from a trained and registered professional such
as a psychiatrist, social worker, or psychologist. This professional can help
you decide what specific resources you need.
If you finances are a problem
utilize the relatively low cost counselling services available at Family
Service Centres or various other community based organizations such as We Care
which helps individuals and family members where addictions of all kinds are
addressed including alcohol but also sex addiction, cyber addiction and eating
disorders.
I have listed below
some of the resources available for a variety of problems. But please note that this list is preliminary
and incomplete. I appeal to anyone,
professional or non-professional, who knows of additional resources to share
their information by including it in the comment section below. Your information will be incorporated into the
list below for readers of this blog.
Get actively involved in the recovery process. Get actively involved in obtaining the appropriate resources for your relationship/family and in the treatment process itself. It is usually extremely difficult to do all the work required alone. Find out what resources are available to help you. I have included below a list of resources to get you started. I urge you to educate yourself about whatever problem your mate has. I have included, at the end of this post, a list of some possible relevant books but it might be more helpful for you to Google the specific psychological condition of your mate and find a book or two that appeals specifically to you.
Check your attitude to seeking help. Your
attitude in seeking help is of extreme importance. The reason I mention this is that when we are
under extreme distress for a long period of time, such as can occur in relationships
with someone with a mental disorder, we may become worn out, passive, and perhaps
fantasizing that someone will come to help us. I urge you not to assume the attitude
that someone else, be it family, friend or professional, is going to rescue you
from your painful relationship. From my
own personal experience, people generally don’t want to get personally entangled
in the troubled intimate relationship of
someone else. Nathaniel Brandon, in
writing about “self-responsibility” puts it in brutally honest terms when he
states “...no one is coming to make our life right for us, or make us happy,
...” (http://www.nathanielbranden.com/ess/ess12.html). Hence it
is essential that we assume an attitude of personal responsibility and empower
ourselves to actively seek out services for ourselves, our troubled intimate
other, and any children that are involved.
Discriminate between what can be changes and what cannot. It is up to you to take responsibility for what you CAN do (and stop trying to do what you CANNOT do e.g. change the other person by scolding etc).
I advocate strongly you use the wonderfully helpful “Serenity Prayer” to bring you back to the reflective mood in which you can discriminate between the possible and the impossible.
God grant me
the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to
change the things I can
And wisdom to
know the difference
Concluding remarks.
To readers in
general, not just distressed spouses, I would like to once again plea that if you
have any information about resources not mentioned in the list below that you use
the comment section to provide the relevant information e.g. name of the resource
or agency and telephone number. Your
cooperation will lead to the creation of a convenient online resource to help
couples or families in distress due to one partner having a psychological
disorder.
To the partner in
the difficult relationship I would like to say that I hope this post helps get
you started on a pathway to a happier and healthier relationship. To maintain your recovery work, I suggest you
reward yourself periodically and also that you occasionally take time to reflect
on the good qualities of your mate and the good things that have happened in
the relationship. There is lots of hope
for you and your relationship and family if you actively and persistently
pursue recovery.
|
For the |
Organi zat-ion |
Telephone number |
Website/ email address |
|
Alcoholic |
Alcoholics Anonymous |
6475 0890 |
www.alcoholicsanonymoussingapore.org |
|
Family members and friends
of the alcoholic |
Al-anon |
9894 1201 |
http://alanonsinga.tripod.com/ |
| Addict and family and friends of addict: (Gambling, Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, Eating Disorders, Internet & Gaming, Sex and Love.) |
We Care |
6471 5346 |
http://www.wecare.org.sg/ |
|
Spouse of someone with adult ADHD |
SPARK |
|
http://www.spark.org.sg/ |
|
Family of the person with the disorder (as well as
the person with the disorder). |
Shan You Counselling Centre |
6741 9293 |
http://www.shanyou.org.sg/ |
|
Family of the person with the disorder (as well as
the person with the disorder). |
Family Service Centres |
1800 222 0000 |
http://www.ncss.org.sg/social_service/family_services.asp |
|
Persons
and families with a variety of problems |
Care Corner Counselling |
1800-353 5800 |
|
|
Families facing violence in
need of |
Centre for Promoting |
6555 0390 |
|
|
Psychiatric emergencies eg family crisis due to a mentally ill
family member |
IMH Helpline 24 hours |
6389 2222 |
|
|
Low-income persons requiring
legal |
Legal Aid |
1800-325 1424 |
|
ADD in Intimate Relationships: A Comprehensive Guide for Couples by Daniel G. Amen
Family therapy for
ADHD by Craig Everett and Sandra Everett.
The Other Half of
Asperger Syndrome by Maxine Aston.
Copyright © 2010 by
Dr. Brian S. Scott
How get someone to see he has asperger, where to get diagnosis or therapy. How to get him to see that his asperger is the cause of the problem and not others.
Posted by: gin | June 09, 2010 at 02:34 PM
I've never really liked,To go To A Counsellor,As I Think,some don't helped much,Just To Be A Listening Ear,That's All. Because,Afew years ago,My Mom Send Me To 1 Counsellor, At That Time,I was Rude To My Parents,I Talked Back, And never really Obeyed Them..I even Stayed Home All Day,refused To go out ,or hang out with my friends,I Become so lonely soon,I don't even find A Job.I went for 2-3 Times,n Stopped Going.Now,That Im really nice To My Parents,Since Last Year:S But,I had A Personal Problem,About A Member In My Family.That,I don't wished To Talk Here.Because,It'll Be A Very Long Story.That,I can never Finished Talking. Hoped That someone read this.
Posted by: HAZELNUTS | July 08, 2010 at 01:40 AM
Just with any type of psychosomatic disorder, addiction of whatever form is destructive. Hence, if you think you or someone you know is crossing this border, help yourself or that someone control this condition and looking for outside support (treatment, counseling or support) is indeed a good move towards a strong self and healthy relationship.
Posted by: Ashley | August 31, 2011 at 08:49 PM
ADHD is not a psychological disorder
Posted by: Faith Fengyi | January 30, 2012 at 10:47 PM