How not to win friends and influence others

Introduction

In 1936, Dale Carnegie wrote the classic self-help book "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It is still an extremely useful book, one of the best sellers of all time, and one which I often recommend to my clients.  Perhaps in a future post I can review its recommendations and integrate them with the more recent findings of modern psychological research.  However in this post, I want to discuss not what to do to influence others, but what not to do.

I got the idea to write about this topic, on reading one recent morning, as I usually do the book "Hope for Today" (Al-Anon Family Groups, Inc.).  This wonderfully wise, spiritual, and helpful little book consists of daily readings written by members of Alanon, a self-help group of non-professional to help those who live in families touched by addiction.  The entry for November 13 mentioned the four M's as being ways a spouse tries valiantly but unsuccessfully to cope with an alcoholic spouse. The four M's are "martyrdom, managing, manipulating, and mothering".

I will discuss how these 4 Ms do not help change the behaviour of someone suffering from the disease of alcoholism or other addictions e.g. gambling.  I then discuss briefly how knowledge of the four Ms can help you cope with a variety interpersonal relationship difficulties not just ones involving addiction.

Description of the four Ms

The classic situation in which the four Ms are played out is a marriage of a woman to a man who is alcoholic. For decades the codependence literature describes the woman in such a relationship as being codependent on the alcoholic while the alcoholic was dependent on his addiction to alcohol. According to codependence experts such as Pia Mellody the wife was codependent even before she got married because she was raised in a family in which she did not get the parenting, including the loving, she required to mature adequately.  As a result her inner child was desperately seeking someone to reparent her and supply her of the love she was deprived of.  For various reasons she clings to the idea that he will be able to supply that love to her and she tries to keep him sober by using the four Ms. The addiction may be not only to alcohol but to drugs, gambling, or the fastest growing addiction i.e. cyber addiction to pornography.  I will give examples of the four Ms for the classic alcoholic marriage situation but it is equally applicable to a wide variety of situations in which one person want to influence the behaviour of another.

Martyrdom. Often times a spouse sacrifices her own happiness to maintain a relationship.  She may for example clean up after her alcoholic husband vomits on the floor, she may work to supplement the family income when husband spends so much on drinking, she may take on the responsibilities of mothering and make up for the husband who is emotionally unavailable to the children.  None of these strategies work to stop the husband's addiction and may indeed "enable" him to continue.  And now comes the ultimate M strategy, the Martyrdom strategy.  In a fit of desperation she may scream at her husband "After all I have done for you and this family.  You should be ashamed of yourself. " 

Not only does martyrdom not stop the husband's addiction it may actually cause him to increase it in order to escape his guilt and distress over his realization that he is not only alcoholic but also a complete failure as a husband.  The alternative to martyrdom is "loving detachment" another Al-anon concept in which the partner learns to let the addict feel the painful consequences of his actions but doing so in a loving respectful way.  I will talk more about this in a future post.

Managing.  The codependent wife may take on the responsibilities of the alcoholic.   She may try to manage their financial affairs or to parent the children with little if any help from spouse.   Because of the chronic stress of doing so she may in fact become a super manager, what is now called a "control freak".   However her brave efforts fail for many reasons.  Inadvertently she is pushing the alcoholic into a more extreme position of dependency and inability to take responsibility. In the end it fails because the only person's life we can manage is our own and most of us find that a demanding job in itself.

Manipulating.  Manipulating is where one tries to arrange things or conditions or people to obtain a result that one desires but the other person does not.  For example the wife of the alcoholic may suggest a holiday to a spot where there is no alcohol available not realizing that the alcoholic centres his life around alcohol and will make sure to carry a supply with him to whatever remote vacation site the wife has "arranged". 

Mothering.  This does not refer to normal adult to child care taking.  Rather it refers to the situation where one person (teh codependent wife) tries to provide mothering to another adult (the alcoholic) in the hope that he will recover from his alcoholism and take on this adult responsibilities.  It is important to understand that this "mothering" can take on a broader context of any situation in which someone, male or female, uses nurturing as a strategy to influence the behaviour of another adult (male of female).

For example, I was told by a male client how his wife drank too much at a party and when they got home she got sick in the bathroom.  She was very disappointed that her husband did not come to comfort her while she was being sick just like her own mother had done when she was a child. This husband had enough recovery not to attempt to "mother" his wife but many codependents find it emotionally extremely difficult to resist caring for a needy loved one.  This example also illustrates that in modern time it is increasingly the female who as the addiction problem.

Attempting to provide parenting to their mate is impossible. The only person who could have, and should have done so was the mother or father of that person.  But that was in the distant past and that possibility is long gone.  Now, the only person who can do it is the person themselves through getting into recovery and learning how to reparent themselves.

Knowledge of the four Ms can help you cope with a variety of interpersonal difficulties

Not only does the codependent parent try to use the four M's to control the behaviour of their mate but they may try to use these strategies to control and change the behaviour of their children,  They may do so even when that child is an adult.  Needless to say it almost always backfires. 

However it is not just a codependent spouse who uses the four Ms to try, unsuccessfully to change the behaviour of their addicted mate.  Now that you have read about the four Ms you may recognize them in a variety of interpersonal difficulties.  For example,  you may discover that you  have learned these four Ms from your own parent(s) and unconsciously are using them to change the behaviour of your own spouse or children.  Or you may be applying them a colleague at work who you feel does not cooperate in attaining professional objectives.

Another possibility is that you may become aware that someone you love is using the four Ms to try to change your behaviour.  A common problem in families is the "interfering mother-in-law".  It may be that with your increased knowledge of the four Ms, you are able to recognize if and when your mother-in-law is using the four Ms. This increased awareness will enable you to avoid an extreme emotional response and instead cope more adaptively and rationally.  But it likely with take practice and perhaps some professional assistance to master these difficult situations.

Concluding remarks

The "four M's" formulation is an easily remembered  acronym that provides a cognitive platform which enables one to become aware of the four Ms.  This awareness can help us avoid using the four Ms and also enables us to respond more rationally when we find we are on the receiving line of the four Ms.  Everyone of us may try, at some point in our lives to use one or more of the four M's to control the behaviour of another.  However, it is a hard learned fact that we can only directly change our own behaviour.  Fortunately, however, in most cases when we change our own behaviour in a positive way, others notice it and will make positive changes in their own lives.  For some good advice on what to do to make friends and influence people positively, I once again suggest you read Dale Carnegie's book and also watch for my future post on this topic.

Copyright © 2008 Brian S. Scott

Comments

[Elisabeth Kuhn]

Excellent article. And too true, but so easy to forget, even after we've experienced repeatedly how much these 4 M's are not working.

Looking forward to the summary of what IS working! Yeah, I suppose I can read the book again, but the short-cut would be nice!

Thanks.

Elisabeth
http://www.myfavoriteselfhelpstuff.com

[lisaf-breakingthecycles]

This is an excellent description of the 4 M's and an important reminder that they play out not only in the alcoholic relationship but in other relationships, as well.

[Brian Scott]

Hi Elizabeth: Nice to hear from you and happy you liked the 4 Ms post. I will keep in mind your interest and hopefully that of others too in ways to influence others in a positive way.
I checked out your website and liked your idea of posting tips on stress management. I know i need daily reminders of the right things to do to remain serene in this stressful world. Your quote from Mellot "Do what you say you value." is an excellent tip. It reminds me to first inventory what i truly value in life and then structure my life around those values.
Cheers,
Brian

[Brian Scott]

Hello Lisa: Thanks for your comment. Unlike yourself who is an experienced writer (which I highly admire) I am relatively new at blogging and find it exciting to actually receive feedback.
I find that in preparing a post I ususally learn something new myself. In writing about the 4Ms it occurred to me that we all use these at times even with non-alcoholics and to our detriment. I have subsequently become aware of when I do so and am trying to substitute more direct approaches like being vulnerable enough to ask for what i need and want (as Pia Mellody would say).
Cheers,
Brian

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